Balthier's Bad Day
by The Giant Daifuku
Summary: "And let that be a lesson to you, pirate." Ashe said, before marching off to finish her bath. Rated T just to be safe.


I don't know how many people will see this, but I don't really care, since this is my first FFXII fict and I wrote it mostly for my own amusement. I came up with this scenario when playing FFXII in the Nam-Yensa Sandsea, and by some odd turn of bad luck, Balthier, the party leader had been hit with Sleep, Silence, and Blind, all at once. Curse those Urutan Yensa. But it was kind of amusing watching him stand there snoring. And I wished I had an Alarm Clock.

Oh well, listen to me ramble.

Disclaimer: FFXII is the property of Square Enix.

* * *

Balthier stumbled about the camp, cursing vehemently (albeit silently) as his toe collided painfully with a rock that rimmed the camp fire they had recently extinguished. How Balthier, the dread sky pirate extraordinaire, ended up having both Blind and Silence cast on him was rather silly, but it had happened, and he had been left to deal with the aftermath, unable to ask for assistance because of the Silence spell that bound his voice, and unable to write any messages because he had to see to write, and he could not even do that. He swore he heard Vaan sniggering, and shook a fist in the direction he though he heard the voice. And when Vaan erupted into full blown laughter, and Fran gave a little sniff, he guessed he must have done it the completely wrong direction.

* * *

They had made camp on the edge of a very tiny oasis in the middle of the Dalmasca Westersand, and, not that he begrudged the woman for it, Ashe had decided that she needed a bath. They all did, at least the men; Basch smelled atrocious, the scent of _very_ masculine hume sweat rolling off of him in waves. Balthier could barely stand it, and all the men had been forced to share a tent together to give the girls their privacy. He recalled that he had slept under the stars that night rather than spend another hour in the presence of the Knight. Vaan, who was naturally tan, was an unnaturally dark shade of brown by now. Balthier had seen Vaan crying slightly earlier when a Cockatrice had sunk its beak into his arm, pecking viciously. The tears had left streak marks in the dirt that completely smudged his face.

Balthier didn't even want to think about himself.

So he'd left the rest of the party briefly in order to clean himself up, and when he arrived at the water's edge, found that Ashe had the same idea. He came around the side of the bush just in time to see her drop the offensively pink strip of cloth that _she_ insisted was a skirt (behind her back, Vaan still called it a strip of cloth), and remove white jacket she normally wore over the rest of her body. A slightly embarrassed gasp issued from his lips at the sight, and, when she whipped around, lips drawn back from her small white teeth in an enraged growl to see who the offender to her royal presence was, he offered an apologetic smile, an "Oh, I am _so_ sorry, my Lady" with the all the gentlemanly grace he could muster, and turned his back as fast as possible.

It wasn't that he'd minded the peek (come now, she was wearing under garments under all that) but everybody, mark that, _everybody_ knew that it was disaster to come upon Ashe when she was bathing. That duly noted, Balthier began to walk away with dignified haste.

And that was when the unladylike shriek rent the air— a crackle of gathering magicks that made his hair stand on end warned the unfortunate pirate of his impending doom. He opened his mouth to cast Reflect, but was hit with Silence, his spell cut off in mid-cast. He worked his mouth angrily, forgetting modesty, and spun on his heel to confront his antagonist, hands balled into fists.

He felt the second spell hit him in the face, and everything went dark. Balthier staggered over something and fell flat. With a curse that never made it out of his throat, he rolled onto his back and heard the approach of the Princess.

"And let that be a lesson to you, pirate." the girl said, before marching off to finish her bath.

Mouthing words that would most likely have made Ashe cast Warp on him had she heard them, Balthier cautiously began to pick his way (hopefully) back to camp, lifting his feet high enough in order to avoid any obstacles. This continued until Penelo happened upon him, and guided him back, her little hand grasped tight over his, with an occasional "Watch out for that log, Balthier— oh! I am _so_ sorry, I should have said something sooner," when he fell on his face again, for the second time that morning, over a rather conveniently placed log. By the time they reached camp, Balthier was a mess; he had sand in places sand obviously should not be, his shirt was torn on the sleeves (though thankfully he could not see them, and even if he could, he could not complain) and his shoes were filled with wood chips from the various obstacles that they'd encountered on their way back.

Possibly this was the worst day of his life, short of the one his father had made him a Judge upon.

* * *

Finding himself next to the pack that housed their supplies, he began to rifle through it, not caring what he found first, be it Eye Drops or Echo Herbs. His hand encountered a round canister, and he opened it, sniffing the contents. He almost dropped it in disgust; the phial of green liquid must have been ancient now! Balthier put it to the side, resisting the urge to vomit. He found another canister, and somewhat cautiously this time around, smelled it from afar. Aha! Here were the Echo Herbs.

Then he heard the light steps of Fran behind him. Balthier hastily grabbed a sprig of the herbs and shoved the canister back in the bag, whirling toward the direction he hoped Fran was in. One never knew; she might be in league with Her Royal Vengefulness just to make a fool of him. Could he speak, he would have said, "Come now, dear Fran, what have I ever done to harm you?" but as he could not, he simply stowed the herb in one of his side pouches and wrung his hands pleadingly toward her.

"I do not come to harm you, Balthier," she said in her slow, deliberate voice. "I merely wish to warn you that Ashe has returned." Oh. Balthier nodded, and dug through his pouch for the Echo Herb, hissing silently when his hand contacted… a miniature screw driver? What in the name of Ivalice was that doing there? Ah, here was the herb.

Balthier swallowed it, grimacing at the taste of bitter medicine and lint from his pouch, just as Ashe stomped up to him.

"Did you enjoy the view?" she asked angrily.

"Ah, Princess! I have not enjoyed any view as I currently seemed to be blinded." he responded jauntily.

"I see that you've restored your voice, pirate. Tell anyone of what you have seen and I will use Stone on you, I swear I will. You will be silent as a statue."

"Really, I did not mean to see you bathing." Balthier said flatly, turning away from her and raising his hand a familiar gesture. Magick pulsed from his body, and he cast Blindna, blinking as his vision was assailed by light. "And I did apologize, so I would now say that you are the one taking this little farce too far, hm?"

She blinked at him angrily. "First, I feel totally justified! Second, when did you learn Blindna? Third—"

Balthier turned to her, raising his hand again and she was struck dumb when his Silence spell took affect.

"I've known how to do basic petty magicks ever since we met in the Garamsythe Waterway! Some pirate I'd be if I did not know some basic magicks to help me from a pretty pickle!" He left her there, mouthing at him with a face that was pink with rage.

_Please, my dear_, Balthier thought with a smirk on his face. _You're not the only one who has a penchant for dealing justice should the chance arise._

* * *

This is my first straight humor fict, and this is also my first FFXII fict… and this is a one shot. I will most likely start working on a FFXII and Pirates of the Caribbean crossover next. Please Review and tell me what you thought...


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